This is a difficult article to write. The reason is I am going to be blunt about not having a voice, or being able to “talk” in my mind and being the only person that can understand what is being said.
All our lives being able to talk to others is taken for granted. It is something that is so natural, and we thoughtlessly spew out our thoughts. Then something happens, and our voices are now compromised or completely lost. This is like being run over by a freight train. You can’t believe this is happening to you.
Surely there has been a mistake, or it is a matter of time and all will be normal again. In some cases that is true. In others cases your voice has gone south and you have not. Your reality is that you no longer have a voice or the ability to converse in a legible and understandable way.
What happened to me is that I kept trying to be understood. I would repeat myself, talk slower, be patient, and gravitate to those that could understand me (those were few though and around me a lot). Because in my mind my voice was clear and understandable, I know it was not that bad to listen to.
Not facing my reality. So I began compromising. My world of communicating became pretty small. It took a lot of effort to get others to understand me. I would see the look on their faces, their frustration, and worse of all, them feeling sorry for me. At times people would talk louder as if that would help.
If I was with someone else, I would be ignored and the other person was the focus. Or they would walk away or stand there and not say anything because it was uncomfortable for them. All those things were hurtful. You would begin feeling sorry or angry at your situation and life. Two facts became clear to me: first, I had lost my voice. Second, not having a voice was defining who I was.
It took many sittings in from of a mirror, looking at my reflection to realize, it is my responsibility to communicate so others could understand me. Using my voice is not the way. Facing the fact that you can not be understood is important.
If you wonder if that is true, take a video of yourself and say a poem or make several statements. Play it back and see how you sound. Listen to it and realize that is how you sound to others. When you talk, unless your lips can be seen to help, you are extremely difficult to understand. That realization is a difficult point to get to. Brutally honest, embolden, disappointing, yet refreshing. Because you are starting at the root of extreme self honesty and a base now built on truth.
Let’s look back and see what impression is being left and how WE are making other people feel.
Many people do not know how to react to you. They are not use to having to talk to someone that can not communicate with them. They are uncomfortable, confused, and as “self protection”, you are avoided. So who has to change? Them? No, you have to be the one that changes mentally and how you communicate with them.
Your voice is no longer strength for you to use. You now must use your mind and find tools that make you more acceptable to main stream society. It is you that must make the adjustments. It is you that must take responsibility for your situation. Once that is done, you begin to make progress in folding back into life’s mainstream.