When your girlfriend breaks up with you, your first impulse is to reach out to her. Trying to fix your relationship is one thing, but losing someone to a break up can cause some serious separation anxiety. In an effort to stay connected, you might offer to be friends with your ex. And if you want your girlfriend back? This type of arrangement can actually keep you from achieving that goal.
It’s only natural to want to stay close to your ex after breaking up with them. First of all, you love them. Each of you has been a big part of each other’s daily life for a long while now, so why not keep in touch? Wanting to keep the lines of communication open or even establish a friendship after your romance is finished is a common human reaction to breaking up. But in the case where you’re trying to get your girlfriend to take you back, it can be disastrous.
The real reason most guys stay friendly with an exgirlfriend is because they truly want them back. They figure that by staying in plain sight, they can stay in their ex’s mind as well. And not only that, but being “around” in a friendly capacity for your ex girlfriend will keep you up-to-date with anything else she may be doing, such as planning to date other guys. The constant panic of always wondering when that will happen will cause you to unconsciously tighten your grip of friendship – maybe even to the point where your ex starts to resent you for it.
Clinging to your ex girlfriend only leads to trouble. For one, you look utterly desperate. No girl is going to respect you for hanging around waiting for her to toss you a bone. Although you think you’ve donned a pretty good disguise by being her buddy, staying platonic, and pretending to take an interest in her life from a friendship standpoint, you’ve really fooled no one but yourself. Your ex knows what you’re doing, and so do your friends and family for that matter. Trying to get back your ex girlfriend by assuming the role of her friend is a weak, needy way to keep her in your life.
Yet even if you could maintain a friendship with your ex girlfriend, it would only be temporary. Once she started dating again, her new boyfriend would crumple such a friendship into a tiny little ball and punt it as far away as he could. And the same thing would happen if you were to meet someone else: any new girl you start seeing romantically is not going to accept you being friends with your ex. In which case she’ll make you “break up” with your ex girlfriend for a second time, or you’ll hide the fact that you used to date your ex. Starting off any new relationship on the basis of a big fat lie is never a good idea.
Understand that as the length of your friendship increases, the amount of romantic interest your ex has in you decreases. She’s not going to love you any more over time, and she’s not going to come to some miraculous “realization that she loves you”. These things happen on TV and in chick-flicks, but not in real life. In the real world, the further removed your actual relationship gets the further emotionally detached your ex girlfriend will become toward you.
There’s such a thing as being too close to your ex girlfriend, and it will kill your chances of getting her back. If the real reason you’re staying friends with your ex is to wait until she gives you a second shot at her, chances are good that you’re in for some big disappointment. When trapped in the dreaded Friend Zone, you can’t make any romantic moves. Whatever you try to do will be blown off, or even worse it will be met with shock, surprise, and animosity for “ruining” the friendship you developed (and didn’t even want in the first place).
Do you want a relationship with your ex girlfriend? Go out and get one. Work toward getting your ex back, not toward making friends with her. Even if you’ve already enmeshed yourself into this type friendship, it’s not too late. Pull back and away from your ex by letting her know you just can’t do it. You love her too much to pretend to just “like” her, and as much as you enjoy being near her you’d much rather date her instead. If she has any love in her heart for you, she’ll consider what you’re saying. Getting back on the road to reconciliation requires a few steps backward, out of the friendship you’ve planted yourself in.
Chick Corea Spain
Spain. Cool intro from “Concierto De Aranjuez” ,then about a minute in, the action starts. This version is from his album, ” Light as a Feather”. It has flute, bass, keyboard, drums, and vocals (done by Flora Purim).